How To Answer Women

HOW TO ANSWER TO WOMEN

IT IS SATURDAY, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where you
should be: stretched out on the couch in front of a televised sporting
event, opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza
you ordered is even now on its way. Nothing could improve this moment,
except maybe a bigger television. Suddenly your girlfriend enters the
room and says, "What exactly do you think you're doing?"

Is this a trick question?

Yes, it is. The trick is that no matter how you answer it, you will
immediately find yourself driving down to your nearest home-improvement
centre, where you will spend the rest of the afternoon trying to decide
the type of curtain rod that's right for you.

How does this work?

It has as much to do with the nature of the question itself as with
anything else. Women are expert at posing questions that seem to have no
right answer. Here's a common example.

"DO I LOOK FAT?"

There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted "yes".
"No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don't know" means yes. "It doesn't
matter" means yes. The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means
yes, yes, yes. Most of us would rather take our degrees again than field
this one, yet it may well come up several times a week. Your only real
choice is to say no, clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for
any subtext, and making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not
simply your opinion. This doesn't work, but all the other options are
worse.

There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer, and
several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes. In all of
these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is
unlikely to pay off.

Consult this handy chart:

JUST SAY NO
Is there someone else?
Do you still fantasise about her?
Are you tired of me?

JUST SAY YES
Do you still love me?
Do you ever fantasise about me?
Do you like my hair this way?

Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or
no response. Some of them are more like riddles. Such as this one:

"WHICH SHOES LOOK BETTER?"

Typically you're already late for dinner when your girlfriend confronts
you, with one pair of shoes on and another alongside them. This is no
ordinary choice. It's a devious chicken/egg puzzler, the sort of choice
that would lead even Hobson to say to Mrs. Hobson, "Whichever, you old
trout!" If you pick the shoes she already has on, she'll think you're
trying to hurry her. If you pick the other pair, she'll think it's
because you know you can't pick the ones she has on. Some men try a
non-linear approach and opt for a third, unoffered pair of shoes, but
this is inevitably taken as either an attack on her judgement or an
opportunity for her to attack yours. On no account suggest another
dress. You might as well say, "You're fat."

This raises the question of why she's asking you at all. She knows you
don't know which shoes look better, and she knows you don't care, so why
is she trying to elicit your opinion? This is part of an ongoing
campaign to domesticate you. As part of the same campaign, she will
occasionally consult you about alternative table settings or new towels.

In these two cases a disdainful and dismissive "beats me" should do the
trick, but don't try that with the shoe dilemma, or you'll miss your
reservation. Instead, suggest that she try on the other shoes, then
tell her the first ones look better. This lets you more or less off the
hook, as long as you don't raise a fuss when she decides that the second
pair are better after all.

"WHERE DO YOU SEE THIS RELATIONSHIP GOING?"

This could be described as an essay question, since you're obviously not
going to get away with snappy little answers such as "forward" or
"upstairs" or "I dunno". Another problem is that you and your
girlfriend are operating at cross-purposes here. She wants a heartfelt
expression of your feelings and an honest assessment of your future
together, and you want an easier question. There is certainly no point
in answering a toe-curling query like this one without at least a rough
idea of precisely what it is she wants to hear. Questions such as this
one are a category unto themselves, i.e. questions that should be
answered with another question. See how easily some of the more
difficult leading inquiries can be parried through the simple deployment
of reflexive interrogation.

HER: Where do you see this relationship going?
YOU: Where do you see this relationship going?

HER: Do you think she's attractive?
YOU: Who?

HER: Will you marry me?
YOU: Where am I?

HER: What if I were pregnant?
YOU: Are you pregnant?
HER: Why? Do I look fat?

Whoops! We're in a bit of trouble here. You should have seen that
coming. Try a more surreal approach:

HER: What if I were pregnant?
YOU: What if I were pregnant?

At the very least it gives you time to think up a better answer. Some
all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do you ask?
Should I be? What are you saying? Does it matter? What's love gotta do
with it? Are you talking to me? (Note: Are you having your period? is
not one of these.)

Let's try a math question.

"HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH?"
Hmmmmm....Now, you can tell her the truth, unless the truth is more than
12, or you can have a guess at the number she's more or less expecting.
Like most arithmetic problems, the answer is a lot easier once you have
a formula. This one should work as long as neither of you has sex for a
living.
Number of people she's slept with + Number of people she knows you've
slept with + Number of people you actually have slept with.

Add these up and divide by 2. If you round up to the nearest whole
person, you should end up with a realistically healthy but not
particularly shocking number. If the result is greater than 12, then
say 12. Let's move on.

"WHY DON'T YOU LIGHTEN UP?"
This rhetorical gem is used whenever you express your disapproval of
shoplifting or speeding, or whenever you go to a night-club and spend
the whole time complaining because the music is too loud and there
aren't any chairs. There's no good answer to this one. You could draw
attention to her inconsistency in this matter, noting that she doesn't
like it when you act like a kid or when you act like your dad; then
again, if you do that, she's liable to see your point and break up with
you. Speaking of breaking up, how about this one.....

"ARE YOU SAYING YOU WANT TO END IT?"

Women, like lawyers, rarely ask a direct question, unless they already
know what the answer will be. As for women lawyers, I don't know what
they do, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know. The point is, when a
woman asks you this question, she knows you're going to say no. Even if
you want to say yes, you'll say no. You can't turn the question back on
her, because you have no idea what her answer is going to be. If you
are trying to break up with her, you'll have to say no and start the
whole painful process again. If you aren't trying to break up with her,
then it's best to change the subject. Let's try something easier.

"NOTICE ANYTHING DIFFERENT ABOUT ME?"

Well, slightly easier. This question is of a piece with two others:
"Have you forgotten what today is?" and "Have you been listening to a
word I've said?" Apart from being questions that are easier to answer
wrong than right, they're the kinds of things women say in sitcoms. They
are best treated in an ironic post-modern context; ie, just say what
Ward Cleaver would say.

HER: Notice anything different about me?
YOU: New apron?

HER: Have you forgotten what today is?
YOU: Of course not. It's Thursday.

HER: Have you been listening to a word I've said?
YOU: That's nice, dear...

Funny, huh? Well, it's not your fault if she doesn't get it. If she
wants a better answer, she's going to have to start asking better
questions. Questions such as:

"HAVE YOU TAKEN A LOOK AT YOURSELF LATELY?"

This question and its cousin, the almost always uncalled for "Who do you
think you are?", are ways of gently reminding you how much of a factor
pity was in her original decision to go out with you, and how that
decision could be rescinded if you behave in any way that cannot be
described as abject. You probably brought this rebuke on yourself by
mentioning that you reckon Brad Pitt is getting a little chubby or by
speculating that Jack Nicholson doesn't have to wait until his birthday
for oral sex. You're not really supposed to answer either of these
questions. You're just supposed to apologise for your wanton
self-esteem-having. Instead of apologising, just smile. Your manifold
inadequacies as a boyfriend - nay, as a man - are a kind of revenge all
by themselves. Next!

"DO YOU BELIEVE IN FIDELITY?"
Like most philosophical questions that seem to pop up out of the blue,
this question doesn't pop up out of the blue. This general query about
fidelity is in fact a coded inquiry about the extent of your fidelity on
a specific occasion or occasions. Your response will also have to be
coded. Consult this translation chart before giving your answer:

YOU SAY - Yes
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - He's hiding something
YOU SAY - It depends
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - I knew it!
YOU SAY - Why do you ask
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - Bastard!
YOU SAY - I dunno. Do you?
YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
SHE THINKS - How much does he know?

There are several more variations, but they're not worth going into. By
the time she asks you this question, you're already in deep trouble. It
doesn't really matter what you say, as long as you don't blush when you
a answer.

Let's look at an example that calls for more straight forward lying.

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?"

She means, "You were looking at that girl, weren't you?" And you
thought you'd perfected that trick of keeping your neck still and just
letting your eyes swivel. Obviously, the truth is not the best answer
here. We all know that the truth can set you free, sometimes before
you've found somewhere else to stay. It may seem easy enough to answer
this question with a cunning lie, but when men are caught off-guard,
their ability to deceive is impaired.

Here are a few of the more common mistakes men make when asked "What are
you looking at?"

TOO SPECIFIC: "The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap of
that mailbox on the Northwest corner".

NOT SPECIFIC ENOUGH: "That thing."

TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE: "A diamond necklace in that window back there that
would be perfect on you".

TOO TRUE TO BE GOOD: "A see-through nightie in that window back there
that would be perfect on you."

TOO OBVIOUS: "Nothing."

WAY TOO OBVIOUS: "That blonde babe over there with the big...I mean
nothing."

Here's one that requires a little interpretation.

"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?"

This one often crops up whenever some kind of emergency or seemingly
unsolvable problem arises. The part that requires interpretation is the
mysterious "we" in the middle. This means two things: in one sense,
"we" clearly means "you" - as in, "What are you going to do now"; but
there is also a sense of "we're in this together" implying that you bear
equal responsibility for the fact that she's just dropped her keys down
a grate, or that she stores her jack and spare tire in her garage so
they won't get stolen.

In such situations you'll probably find that the only answer to "What
are we going to do now?" that you can think of is "We are going to break
up. Good-bye." Most likely you'll decide not to say anything. After
which she will probably let loose with the rather ill-advised:

"WHY DON'T YOU SAY SOMETHING?"

Whether you answer this one is up to you. There is only one question
that you should never, ever answer. Keep silent, cower behind your Fifth
Amendment rights, pretend you didn't hear, run away, whatever, but don't
say anything when she asks:

"SHOULD I GET ALL OF MY HAIR CUT OFF?"

If you say anything, then when she does get all her hair cut off (and
let's face it, she's already made up her mind) and she hates it (and she
will hate it), it will be your fault. Even if you say absolutely
nothing, the best you can hope for is that she will come home with all
her hair cut off, stare you straight in the eye and say:

Does it make me look fat?

You're on your own.

p/s: I didn't write this piece. I got it through the 'net from friends. Just felt it was worth sharing!